Thursday, March 22, 2012

Fabulously Overwritten (without candy)

My friend Lynette found this on the classifieds, an ad for a car. But not just any car.

Click on the link to see the full ad with pics, but I have to copy and paste all the prose because the car is going to SELL and then the fun might be removed from the site. And that would be sad. So sad.
2002 Ford Escort ZX2

Provo, UT    - Mar 12, 2012


For Sale by Owner
Clean Retail NADA value (w/current mileage): $4,825.

Well. The wait is over. The most ballingest car ever is finally on the market. This one-of-a-kind ZX2 coupe is to the limit. And it takes no prisoners.

Thats a double whammy.

Features? Yeah, its got em. Like how about it comes in sparkly, get-rich-or-die-tryin green. That means its camouflaged in the forest or lush fields of grass where you will undoubtedly be taking your lady (or ladies if youre driving this) for a picnic of skewered lamb and frosty beverages. Green = the new whatever color you want. Green = mother natures cloaking device.

Its got privacy glass so you can do whatever the eff you want as you blitz past zombies on the freeway. Plus, while everyone else is looking at each other picking their nose, youll be chillin in a darkened cocoon of comfort and maintaining the mystique and mystery that comes naturally when you own a ZX2.

30+ MPG? Uh-huh. Get out there and explore, Magellan.

Air Con? Check. Keep cool, my brother.

Cruise Control? Oh most definitely. Dont be like everyone else on the freeway with their stop-slow-and-go driving. Lock this baby in at 85 - Utah's real speed limit - and save on the MPGeezle.

Power windows? Power locks? Power steering? Thats a fatty mcfatty yes.

AM/FM, 6-Disc CD changing entertainment extravaganza? You know it.

Leather interior? Rare for ZX2s - but not this one. Because luxury is seats that feel smooth on your butt.

Zippy 4-speed auto tranny? Indubitably.

And before you ask, no youre not dreaming - yes, that is a spoiler back there and yes. . . you want this car. Bad.

This well-maintained and fully restored beauty is a salvage title. It was bought out of an insurance pool after getting into a tiny fender bender (i.e. vicious car cock fight. . . which it won. . . with metal and brawn).

The right front fender was dented, but then replaced by a cadre of men who were born in garages and bottle-fed Penzoil. Basically all that means is now this amazing piece of machinery has more character than your neighbors lame van.

Bottom line: if this car were any more advanced, it would stand up and say 'Autobots, roll out!'

Bless you, Doug, for writing this piece. And selling this piece.

I love this ad. The time and love that went into writing it created a final draft of complete joy for me.

When I was at the ANWA Conference, Matt Petersen suggested that anytime we write something we should consider overwriting. Why? Because in his case he overwrote a blurb for some Disney Princess Halloween costumes and they turned into a freelance job offer. They became the start of his writing portfolio. Pretty sweet.

(As is the car for sale in this ad.)

May Doug get a full price offer.

Oh, and my house smells like a dirty dog. I cannot even stomach the thought of candy. No candy blather from me today.

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