Thursday, March 22, 2012

Fabulously Overwritten (without candy)

My friend Lynette found this on the classifieds, an ad for a car. But not just any car.

Click on the link to see the full ad with pics, but I have to copy and paste all the prose because the car is going to SELL and then the fun might be removed from the site. And that would be sad. So sad.
2002 Ford Escort ZX2

Provo, UT    - Mar 12, 2012


For Sale by Owner
Clean Retail NADA value (w/current mileage): $4,825.

Well. The wait is over. The most ballingest car ever is finally on the market. This one-of-a-kind ZX2 coupe is to the limit. And it takes no prisoners.

Thats a double whammy.

Features? Yeah, its got em. Like how about it comes in sparkly, get-rich-or-die-tryin green. That means its camouflaged in the forest or lush fields of grass where you will undoubtedly be taking your lady (or ladies if youre driving this) for a picnic of skewered lamb and frosty beverages. Green = the new whatever color you want. Green = mother natures cloaking device.

Its got privacy glass so you can do whatever the eff you want as you blitz past zombies on the freeway. Plus, while everyone else is looking at each other picking their nose, youll be chillin in a darkened cocoon of comfort and maintaining the mystique and mystery that comes naturally when you own a ZX2.

30+ MPG? Uh-huh. Get out there and explore, Magellan.

Air Con? Check. Keep cool, my brother.

Cruise Control? Oh most definitely. Dont be like everyone else on the freeway with their stop-slow-and-go driving. Lock this baby in at 85 - Utah's real speed limit - and save on the MPGeezle.

Power windows? Power locks? Power steering? Thats a fatty mcfatty yes.

AM/FM, 6-Disc CD changing entertainment extravaganza? You know it.

Leather interior? Rare for ZX2s - but not this one. Because luxury is seats that feel smooth on your butt.

Zippy 4-speed auto tranny? Indubitably.

And before you ask, no youre not dreaming - yes, that is a spoiler back there and yes. . . you want this car. Bad.

This well-maintained and fully restored beauty is a salvage title. It was bought out of an insurance pool after getting into a tiny fender bender (i.e. vicious car cock fight. . . which it won. . . with metal and brawn).

The right front fender was dented, but then replaced by a cadre of men who were born in garages and bottle-fed Penzoil. Basically all that means is now this amazing piece of machinery has more character than your neighbors lame van.

Bottom line: if this car were any more advanced, it would stand up and say 'Autobots, roll out!'

Bless you, Doug, for writing this piece. And selling this piece.

I love this ad. The time and love that went into writing it created a final draft of complete joy for me.

When I was at the ANWA Conference, Matt Petersen suggested that anytime we write something we should consider overwriting. Why? Because in his case he overwrote a blurb for some Disney Princess Halloween costumes and they turned into a freelance job offer. They became the start of his writing portfolio. Pretty sweet.

(As is the car for sale in this ad.)

May Doug get a full price offer.

Oh, and my house smells like a dirty dog. I cannot even stomach the thought of candy. No candy blather from me today.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Chocolate Pudding Slick & Conference Report

So, the other night, I was at my writer's group meeting feeling like I'd earned an evening out with the fun women in my ANWA chapter since I spent the week cleaning my house after, seriously, 18 months of writing non-stop and never doing deep cleaning. I'd even cleaned out the sludgy, sludgy fridge and the microwave that looked worse than the microwave at the end of the school year in a college apartment full of freshman boys.


But when I got home, quite late, I might add, my 11 year old son was still up. He's a corker, certainly one of a kind. "Um, Mom?" Yeah? "I might've spilled a bit of pudding." Oh, that's okay. Wipe it up and it'll be fine. "Um, well, so I tried, but there might be kind of a lot." What do you mean, a lot? "Well, I made a triple batch, and then the bowl dumped when I was putting it back in the fridge." That's fine. Just do your best.

I responded calmly (thanks to the calming effects of my happy writers group), but sent the kid to bed and went over to discover what can only be compared to the Exxon Valdez of pudding spills.

Holy chocolate oil slicks!

My white floursack towels might never be the same. Sigh.

I love that he made the triple batch, though. There's a kid after my own heart. If one box of pudding is good, three's better.

And believe me, if one day of the ANWA Conference 2012 is good, three is better. In fact, this was the best writers conference I've ever been to. So much information was packed into a single weekend, I got home and every time I closed my eyes the great stuff I learned from the presenters was still swirling past my closed eyelids. I had withdrawal for almost a whole week! So fun. Plus, I laughed so hard with the women from my chapter who went with me I almost threw up. Twice. Thank you, ladies!

A zillion things went on. There were agents from NYC and Denver, as well as from SLC for LDS fiction and non-fiction. The senior editor of the Ensign magazine was on hand with a hilarious sense of humor and some good guidance. Great guy, Josh Perkey and his pretty wife with the Disney Princess hair. 

Donna Hatch taught us how NOT to write romance novels.

Larry Brooks gave his spiel on Story Engineering (a book I intend to buy soon!).
Story Engineering
Conrad Storad gave us tips on how to read aloud to children if we get invited to read in schools.

Janette Rallison talked about how to use internal dialogue in our writing to improve characterization.

Dave Eaton--wow! He taught us about outsmarting Google to get our published books to the top of the search engine lists using search engine optimization (which kinda blew my mind.)

Most exciting to me was Matt Petersen's class on how to start up your own freelance writing business. Killer! It made me think, hey, just because I was an English major doesn't mean I can never earn money.

In the bad old days of joking around with my husband, he used to tell me this joke: "What did the English major say to the Engineering major?" What. "You want fries with that?"


And those were just the classes I attended. There were a dozen others. Great stuff. I can't imagine missing it ever in future years. Lots of women pitched their novels to the agents, and I know of at least one who has already signed with the New York agency.

Thank you, ANWA Conference. It was open to members of ANWA and non-members. It was open to men and women. It will be going on again next February. If you can, black out that weekend and make it a priority! So much information, it almost felt like another Exxon Valdez. But a good one.
Well, no more! Now it's, "Do you want me to write the copy for your website and your newsletter and update your blog? Okay, that'll be $350." Sweet.